We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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