seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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