Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
