i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
