i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
