I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
