I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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