I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
