WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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