Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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