Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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