Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
