Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Randomize
