Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize