I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
