i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
