fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
