one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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