my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize