I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
