i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
