My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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