Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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