My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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