I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
