I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
