New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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