running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
