Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
