if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
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