Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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