Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
