So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
MIDGETS
????
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
