TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
