he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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