Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
