Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
