Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
