my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
