How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
well you can't waste a boner
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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