I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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