Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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