today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
