I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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