Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
