My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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