you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
