this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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