i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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