toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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