I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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