it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
