no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
