I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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