; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
