fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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