she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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