i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
