And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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