Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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