apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
