I accidentally had phone sex last night
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
