Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
